Butterscotch

Pessimist, Optimist and Realist went to buy an ice cream. Pessimist was sceptical about the chances of their finding an ice cream parlour while Optimist was busy deciding the flavour he wanted. On the way Realist was robbed and Pessimist thought Realist had been stabbed once in the chest and twice in his buttocks and called for an ambulance. Optimist asked for directions from the robber. Once the ambulance arrived Pessimist made sure that Realist had been checked for all sort of injuries including slipped disc, internal bleeding and HIV infection. Optimist tried to console Realist and told him that he had already taken the money out of his wallet in the morning and had spent it on the party they had in the afternoon which had now become a surprise party according to Optimist. Realist was pleased to come to know that the surprise part of the party which he had not tried to guess in the afternoon and had also not been trying to guess since the last week when the first mention of this particular party had been made because he did not then know that it was a surprise party was that he was the one who had paid for it. Pessimist quickly checked his wallet for any further surprises but could not find it.

Meanwhile police arrived and before they could start their interrogation Pessimist spoke to his lawyer and talked about anticipatory bail fearing his arrest because the robber was of around the same height as him. Optimist finished deciding the flavour he wanted and thought about starting in the direction of the ice cream parlour. Realist reminded him that he owed a lot of people a lot of money which then was enough to upset Optimist as he had hoped that the head injury Pessimist was sure of Realist had suffered would make Realist forget all his credit history. Pessimist was relieved when he was off the list of suspects after one or two questions. Optimist was further upset when he was asked three more questions in addition to the standard questions that the police had asked as soon as they had arrived there which included his name as well. Pessimist was happy that he had only one name and he could not identify the robber and hence could not say what the robber’s name was but what troubled him was that he still had a name which he had to speak at so many different places and frequently too and feared that if someday he forgets his name and then speaks some different name instead he will then have two names. 

Optimist reached the ice cream parlour and asked for the flavour of ice cream he wanted. Pessimist too had reached the place with Realist and asked if they sold ice creams and whether they were cold enough and would not melt in their hands. Finally satisfied realist took the butterscotch he had asked for and ran without paying, speaking again to his lawyer just in case he gets caught.  

Whatever

Richer than ever, i sat too qualified for a depression.

Frenzied into a stupor, i waited for an expression.

I fell, declined, collapsed and rose, fell again and struck a pose.

I smiled, I saw in front of me God.

He asked me what is all this struggle for?

I smiled and smiled and smiled and smiled.

I kept on smilng, he lost his patience, he then damned me for my actions.

I still stood there smiling again, pained at heart but plain sane.

I said to him "There is a reason, you know very well"

The reason I smiled every time I fell.

"I made you this way is that what you say?"

"No, I wanted it this way is what I meant"

He smiled and smiled and smiled and smiled.

He smiled and left behind just a note.

'I am sorry for the pain I cause,

but I feel proud when you prove me wrong.

It is an honor to have created a dreamer this strong.

Whatever may come your way, never ever let your hope sway'

 

And I folded it and put it into my pocket,

Wondering, Why and with whom had God discussed me as a bet.

Secularism

Came across a blog entry which i forgot to publish.. I dont know how relevant it is now but I am still posting it..

L.K Advani may not be the iron man of India as projected by his colleagues but despite that he has lent to the modern political dictionary certain terms that are ubiquitous yet less talked about. Pseudo-Secularism is one of them. What surprises me is that in a country that boasts of countless spoken languages there is no word that can do justification to the term which is the brainchild of Shri L.K Advani. His political aspirations might have softened is hardliner image of yesteryears but he must present a firm stand on what he believes (that is if he really has those beliefs). Hindutva is no political plank and it never should be. This reminds me that hindutva is yet another gift to the political scene by Shri L.K Advani.

Earlier it was A.B Vajpayee who made me like the BJP but now I have different reasons. Theirs may be a political party like any other political party i.e power hungry, dishonest etc etc but what I like in them is that they don’t play a role in pseudo-secularism.

Here we are in a country which is home to numerous religions. Religious sentiments here are guided by a few, Political leaders being one of them. Here we are in a country which is a majority Hindu inhabited nation but is yet secular and also affectionately referred to as ‘Hindustan’ at times, with no objections but not for long because sooner or later some political leader’s pseudo-secularism policy is going to find it hard to digest and then we will have to be content with the names India and Bharat only.

Each one of us is here is free to follow whatever religion he believes in be it the latest addition ‘Juggadism’.

100 acres of land for the Amarnath Shrine Board will not add to any Hindu’s ego neither will it rob any Muslim of his dignity but our political leaders have this habit of making a potent mix of politics and religion which in the end leaves hundreds dead and a million horrified. It only takes 100 acres to create a rift in sentiments deeper than the Grand Canyon and wider than the distance between mars and mercury. Ever thought of who gains from all this? A Hindu or a Muslim? Neither.

Perhaps we should learn from our experiences that religious sentiments should never be hurt because of political aspirations as in religion lay the strength that can turn a beast into a modest human and vice versa. Godhra saw the beast in some of us come to life because religion was involved. Assassination of Indira Gandhi and its aftermath should be another eye opener. Religion can never be used as a fuel in politics, it is too explosive.

Back to pseudo-secularism, all I have to say is that now we live in a country where anything done against the Hindus is considered to be secular. Is it a Hindu’s fault that he is with the majority and that gives the political misfits the right to deny him what he genuinely deserves. It is not just about 100 acres of land but it is about much more than that, it is about the unequal treatment and double standards in politics. 30,000+ pilgrims are perhaps not good enough for a demand of 100 acres. I wonder how the situation would have been if land of the same dimensions had been given to build a Mosque or a Gurudwara or some other religious building. I am sure most parties would have welcomed it as a secular move and no news channel would have found it worth their precious airtime which is primarily aimed at garnering high TRPs. However I am also not advocating that the land should be given to the Board but the point is that the way the issue was handled raises serious doubts. PDP ministers first approve it and when they find it to be in conflict with the religious sentiments in the valley all they do is to back out and the government falls. What was initially an administrative decision is later transformed into a political issue. Mehbooba Mufti cannot do without the Muslim votes in the Kashmir valley and if that means she has to withdraw her support from what was an otherwise prudent decision taken with every bit of justification, she will not hesitate the slightest. Congress has its political turf in order. Whatever hurts the Muslims in the country will hurt them in U.P and other majority Muslim inhabited constituencies. Strange I mentioned UP which the Congress has already lost to the caste based politics of BSP. There is a divide being created everywhere be it a religious one or a caste based one but it speaks only one language, ‘Divide and Rule’.

How ironic it is that we talk about secularism and in the midst of all this we have universities where we have reservations for certain religions. How something like this can be justified as an equal treatment is beyond my comprehension. Naming a building or an airport is being done to please one community or the other. Ram Mandir is to be spoken in hushed voices. His Sethu is a coincidental geographical feature which was once again by coincidence mentioned in Vedic scriptures but we do not have the time to read them as we are too busy being secular. Well the point is that only Hindu sentiments are attached to it hence it qualifies as a non-issue, had it been a part of the sentiments of some other religion the government would have surely thought of some other way around it. Fatwa is issued as nonchalantly as possible and a kirpaan is a religious right but a Rath Yatra is a source of communal tension and so is a Trishul. For a certain community certain laws are not applicable while for others they are binding and final.

It is strange that we live amidst such double standards and yet talk about being secular. There are people who use the term being secular to fuel their own ambitions than striking a chord of harmony between the different communities. Left finds the BSP as an alternative to the Congress, Congress finds a worthy ally in SP. All that is being done is the formation of alliances so that the 2009 elections are based on local issues and not national ones. Parties are very keen to add a local flavor to the national scene because of which marginal parties like TDP, DMK, JMM, BSP, SP, RLD etc can make the big players dance to their whims. But don’t be surprised when secularism once again becomes the talk of the town. BJP stands at the receiving end because it bluntly states its policy and is also not good in disguising its ambitions as the other parties. The good thing about BJP is that it is now learning from its past mistakes and one can see that now it has a more clear policy on secularism. They may openly stand for Hindu rights but in the process do not incite them against any other community. BJP will still not be acceptable to many of us but the fact is that if someone stands for a certain community it does not necessarily mean that he stands against all other communities. Whatever is your perspective but the truth is that no party is secular but the difference is that most parties know how to be diplomatic. They will find N number of ways to show that they are secular and yet will not try to separate religion from politics. In the end what you will see is pseudo-secularism. Whether you take the bait or not it is up to you to decide.

Broken, battered, totally shattered

Wrote this sumtym back when i needed inspiration and posting it today because I am now engulfed with frustration.


A fallen warrior never cares
At him a distant hope stares
He takes few steps and stumbles again
But he has to get up, He cannot refrain

Almighty be thanked, A hero has risen
With spells of strength but not without a reason
Victory be celebrated, A spirit remains
A soul given a reason does not go in vain

The path was tiring but the effort was valiant
The victory he knew was to be meant
Slashing his sword through the darkness
He guided his destiny with a mere harness

He was the man, he was the warrior
Singling his prey like a harrier
The more was the pain, the better he got
An eye never blinked the victory was always sought

He forgot the misery, he survived humiliation
For he knew there will be ample time for jubilation

Walking an extra mile

2 Aug 2008
12:30 PM

I am en route to SN with the sun sneaking in through the window of a not so well maintained DTC bus. The shirt I was wearing was also not helping me in my resistance against the extreme hot and humid conditions characteristic of an extended Delhi summer. I have recently decided to barter any tee I have with a formal shirt though now I have become a bit skeptical about this decision. At the same time I was also regretting the decision to occupy the first available vacant seat next to the window while boarding the bus but it was my decision and therefore I had to honor it even if it meant I was losing out on an opportunity to sit next to a girl who was herself seated next to a window.

P1- A male in his early twenties, seated next to me and at a safe distance from the sun inviting window, lucky for that but not so lucky otherwise; which you will soon find out. I hope he is in fact lucky for the rest of the day too.

P1: bhaiyaa..
Me: haan bhaiyaa…
P1: Mujhe Ashoka hotel jaana tha..
Me: haan toh jaaiyee… problem kya hai…
P1: Mujhe raasta nahi pata.. kaunsi bus jaayegi?
Me: yeh waali toh nahi jayegi 100 percent…
P1: haan conductor ne kaha tha ki Moti bagh utar jaana wahan se mil jayegi bus.
Me: toh utar jaana Moti bagh.. wahan se mil jayegi..

Now I know I could have been more helpful but I was so irritable then because of the glaring sun that all I wanted was that I reach my destination as soon as possible. This made me feel guilty.

After 2 long minutes…

Me: Bhaiyaa wahan se mujhe bus ka idea toh nahi hai par raasta pata hai.. walking distance par hai..
P1: Actually mera interview tha aur iss area mein kabhi aaya nahi hoon.

Well usually I am a very cold hearted person. You cannot even try and break open my heart with a chisel if you are a stranger but then this person made me think of my campus interviews and the job dilemma that frightens any Indian. Thank god TCS found in me glimpses of an efficient future employee.

Me: aap mere saath utar jaana main raasta bata dunga.

He is delighted; the conductor stands a reason to be delighted because now I will be vacating my seat 3 full stands before my destination from this overcrowded bus. That accounts for 30 percent of my bus fare.

Moti bagh: Start of my career as Raju guide.

Me: Interview kis cheez ka hai? Hotel management ki hai kya?
P1: nahi draftsman hoon..
Me: acha.. kya time hai interview ka.. aadha ghanta lag jaayega yahan se…
P1: do baje tak pahunchna hai… koi bus nahi milegi?

Now I have always walked to Ashoka hotel as it is at a walking distance from my place, Around 3.5 kms so never read any bus number on this route. I have had free lunch and dinner there many times courtesy of a few close connections but mostly at the back office area; breakfast was never possible for I have mostly skipped it for the best part of my life, forget about walking 3+ kms for a breakfast that too early in the morning. I make up for it by having lunch twice.

Meanwhile he wanted to know how far the hotel was, I had dare not give him the exact statistics for a ‘walking distance’ for me may not coincide with another person’s walking distance. After walking for five minutes I realized that the already little salts in me were draining out through the little pores of my skin in volumes greater than the water waves which had hit the Orissa coast during the great Tsunami of 200x. Thank god my companion was healthier than me.

P1: aap kahan rehte ho?
Me: bas ye paas mein hi.. <<>>
P1: main lakshmi nagar se aa rha hoon.
Me: Fir toh aapko doosri bus leni chahiye thi.
P1: haan.. wahan se nayi dilli station jana chhaiye tha wahan se 604 mil jaati..

A minute after that a 604 zooms past us.

Me: who 604 hai?
P1: haan…
Me: toh roki kyun nahi?
P1: haan rokni chahiye..

A loud whistle follows and he is scampering towards the bus. Whistling is a talent and P1 was very good at it, I must say. I have also been trying to learn how to whistle for the last two months with not much success. I do however manage an occasional shrill noise but I need to perfect it so that I am able to disturb the peace of the surrounding nine times out of ten with surety. He boarded the bus and smiled at me. That must have been his way of thanking people. A Pepsi would also not have been a bad option either.

So that was my short lived career as a guide leaving me with 3 more kms to walk. I decided to have a cola of my liking and replenish the salts lost in the above process. I hope P1 reaches on time. It is strange that I didn’t ask for his name neither did he. Ours is a country where bhaiyaa is a universal name applicable to any person, if his gender permits so. Ours is also a country where unemployment haunts many. P1 may not get employed today but at least now he stands a chance if he reaches in time for the interview. All I could have done today was to walk with him for a kilometer. There are thousands other who stand unemployed with no one to walk besides them. It is hence the responsibility of the privileged lot to help them in whatever capacity they can. The term ‘Bhaiyaa’ may have been used with no real feelings but there were still sentiments attached to it which neither did he fully understand nor did I. This is the thread that binds the people of my country together. So as the afternoon sun lights up the surroundings around me I don’t feel its heat but I feel the shade of helping someone calming me down, though I must say that the shade was strengthened by 300 ml of chilled cola too. It is my helplessness that all that I can do today is walk a kilometer for someone else’s sake but I do hope that a day will come when many others will be ready too walk besides me to help people. I very clearly stated that people walk beside me not run behind me. I know sometimes if you run behind me with arms in your possession you can help a far greater number of souls who stand at the receiving end of my acts of stupidity but that is not what I would like to encourage.

So before I started again towards my destination I had learnt two important lessons.
1. You should know how to whistle.
2. Chilled cola is as good as elixir of life at times.

Guide to a Women's heart

Surgeons can always explain to you the exact procedure but I would advice you not to follow their example. It is risky and a visit to in-laws is complimentary. There is no point in wearing a white dress with black stripes for the best part of your life when all you wished to do was to get into a women’s heart. There are other ways to do so which even I don’t completely understand but at least I know they exist.

So much has been written about all this that my attempt will be vanquished by even the weakest advice by an otherwise total idiot who has been reading the already available e-books etc etc and hence I’ll write honestly what I have inferred till date from my experiences and also those of my friends and even those of my competitors and the ‘bestest’ foes so that some of you might contemplate awarding me a PhD or a similar title while others swear at me.

So it goes like this, We never realize that the answer is always around us while we are busy looking for it everywhere, looking where?, is what I don’t wish to answer because we men have the uncanny habit of being interested in things which attract strong words of criticism from the womenfolk. Let me first explain to you a notion, ‘A Man’s man’. A Man’s man is a person with qualities that are acceptable to his male friends with all admiration and respect. He is cool, handsome, pleasant etc etc at least to his male companions. Sadly he may or may not be acceptable to the ladies, who are the topic of our discourse in this post. His image can range from being a chauvinistic pig to an absolutely desirable man. So how is all this related to the issue of the present hour? Well the answer is that we all must first become A man’s man at least then we stand a chance of being in the domain where we are eligible for a place in the range we just discussed above. Be A Man’s man first because a person who can’t bond well with his own community cannot command respect of the opposite sex. So now I have in front of me just two communities Men and Women and may be by now some of the readers must have surrendered their interest to read the rest of the post. Please accept my sincere apologies.

Now let us further divide the women community into known and unknown. I know Katrina Kaif but that doesn’t mean that she comes in the known category for me you know what I meant when I said known women, sorry but this is the way we should proceed in our quest. So by now the pie charts of most of the readers must be such that they are in a position to assign a majority or minority status to each of the categories. People who have assigned ‘Clear majority’ to the known category need not read this post because you all should have a different action plan as you already are in someone’s heart and just need to look for her, I’ll suggest a football game (when I said men look at all the wrong places I was very serious). Now for the rest of us, who are already in process of redrawing the pie chart, please stop. The situation will not improve by your artistic magnifications on a piece of paper.

The first rule is that you always need to increase your chances and that is possible only if you make friends with as many women as possible. When I said friends it meant genuine friends not just for the sake of improving your chances but because the day when your quest may end abruptly because you are too tired or too old or retire to heaven to try your luck with angels, you’ll always have people who will be there to make you a legend and probably place few flowers at your grave.

Rule 2 is concerned with identifying what kind of heart you desire. Ideally it should be big enough to accommodate you along with all your acts of imbecility but then the demand varies from person to person and I would not discourage you from demanding too much because ours is a free country but please also keep in mind that the factory where women are manufactured isn’t very sophisticated to handle steep demands.

Rule 3 says that you can never predict what exactly will impress a women and what will ruin your chances. A friend of mine recently told me that the list varies according to the kind of gal but it is usually very easy to comprehend, so you see it is nothing like the constitution of India. She says that acceptable looks, being a good conversationalist and chivalry will generally floor any women. ‘So you see it is not all that complicated’. Please forgive me for saying that because I know it may seem to be easy but it is not. So be confident when you talk to a gal because even if she is not impressed, you will still most probably die married. Strange, isn’t it? Marriage and death can be spoken of in the same breath.

Rule 4 and the most important of them all; you should know when you have to quit and the good thing is that I realize that I need to take a break at this point and continue some other time because this rule is not just applicable to the topic of our discussion but also to life in general. So your host now promises to be back after a short break during which I interview some more girls so that I can build on my knowledge and then try to help my non existent reader base .

Beauty and an Idiot

Sajde Mein Yuhin Jhukta Hoon Tum Pe Hi Aake Rukta Hoon
Kya Yeh Sabko Hota Hai, Humko Kya Lena Hai Sab Se
Tum Se Hi Sab Baathe Ab Se Ban Gaye Ho Tum Meri Dua
Khuda Jaane Ke.. Main Fidaa Hoon
Khuda Jaane Ke.. Main Mit Gaya..
Khuda Jaane Yeh Kyun Hua Hai Ke Ban Gaye Ho Tum Mere Khuda..

I am no Ranbir Kapoor and I am also not lucky enough to have Deepika in my arms, although I must admit that she is a little tall for my liking. The point that I would like to make is that all this does not stop me from humming these lyrics. After an intense period of analysis of the situation I find that I am being floored not by Miss Padukone but by the lyrics for a change.

Suddenly I realize that this feeling, the lyrics are implying, is so universal and yet the least understood concept of all times. I also have no intention of boring anyone with my take on it but it puts me in a flashback mode, flashback of those sweet times and of memories which remain even though the best part has faded.

I realize that those are memories which at their blossom days could have easily been a potential cause for a cardiac arrest. There are times when certain things become so exciting that a slight stir in them brings forth great levels of anxiety in a positive sense. There were days when your vibrating mobile told you that you had better find a secluded place or risk being moved to a rented apartment.

But I had rather not talk about each and every memory of mine because then my keyboard might give in to the torture meted on to it. I have so much to write which neither my fingers will permit nor will my non anonymous blog. I had rather talk about a girl who lives couple of blocks away from my place and doesn’t know me or maybe she knows me but doesn’t know where I live or she had known me but doesn’t remember or maybe she still remembers me, the point is that the only thing I can say with conviction is that she is beautiful.

I don’t know the meaning of her name but whatever it is I would like to hear it from her so I have till date restrained from subjecting her and her name to Google analysis. I remember the first time I saw her and so do my friends and they remember her with the same interest as mine, whoever said that friends were there to help you must have been lying. She is no Draupadi and I am no Arjun and whatever happened in Mahabharata comes with a statutory warning of please don’t try this at home. I was in ninth standard then and already deviating from my ‘karma’ to study as the reason to play cricket was a better one. We used to play in the park in front of her house and while I was trying to impress her with my cover drives she was busy watching friends who were diving and by the time I switched to diving her interest in cricket had dried. So what was so special about the diving friends? Later I came to know that diving coupled with taking tuition classes together is potentially a killer combo. So I thought of convincing my parents that I need to have an edge in my education graph and what better solution than tuition classes. It wasn’t about the education graph though; It was about the non existent love graph and for the moment she was the only girl that existed on our planet. I joined no classes because of pure lack of genuine information locked in the minds of my friends and i was too shy to accept in front of them that I was falling for her so the information remained locked and that was the end of the graph on which i had drawn the hyperbola of my interest in her with the two separate parts never meeting.

Here my flashback skips through a static because I don’t remember what happened after that and I am fast forwarded to eleventh standard. I remember only one day and that was holi. With faces hard to be recognized we hunted for smaller victims and ran when we were the smaller victims. Soon we retired to the roof tops to test our marksmanship with water balloons. And I saw her from a distance all colored yet ever so enchanting, as if I had seen for the first time in my life a rainbow so close to ground. If I had a robe I would have jumped from the roof as superman does in his movies but I had none and there was also no first aid in sight. With a balloon in my hand I saw p1, p2, p3, p4 etc etc playing holi with her; I swear to god I am no less than Arjun when it comes to taking aims but we had run out of balloons and the only one I held in my hand had already been dedicated to someone who was tops in my hit list. I was disappointed and so were my friends. Good for them.

I here hit another static and remember the last few months of the present year. Saw her after a long time, she still is good looking but has gained some weight while I have been losing plenty. Friends have now become more helpful because either they have shifted or owe their allegiance to some other lady. So what comes between us now? Well this time around I have grown more intelligent so collected all the available information first. It is like I can now write her autobiography. The problem is that she is now committed. So my friends the moral of the story is ‘catch them young’ and if you can’t then don’t be disappointed because you have my company. I still would prefer to look into her eyes someday and tell her how beautiful she is with whatever implications it may have but I would delay it till I am too old to walk properly without assistance, that way I can always terrorize her with my cane if she doesn’t reciprocate. They say Old is Gold and I am sure she’ll be a gem even then.